sarcaskick | (genessia ic inbox)

[ That's... weird. Emerald and Mercury tell each other things but not like.. stuff that needs to be frontloaded with "this is going to sound sappy." ]

I complain at you about everyone, I thought that was obvious.

[ Everything wasn't necessarily true, but that was more because feelings-related things weren't exactly their forte for conversation. Maybe she can just not talk about whatever he's being weird about. ]

Are you hungry? I'm making my specialty: toaster waffles.

See, that's what I thought. But apparently, not everyone, no.

[ He gets up from his seat, fishing in his pocket for a moment to toss something onto the table between them. She'll recognize it as a certain pregnancy test.

She won't recognize the two lines that indicate a positive result, though. That's new. ]

Not little Emerald Junior. For future reference, if you want to keep your trash a secret, at least bury it a little.

Gross, I peed on that, Mercury, why would you-

[ Wait. Emerald Junior. That's not the result it said before. It. Wait- ]

It didn't say that when I took it.

[ Nope. Nope. ]

[ He's not the grand actor that Emerald is, but she's thrown off and he's at LEAST good at looking surprised, so he goes with that. ]

Wait, you didn't know? Seriously?

I'm not pregnant.

[ She says it, but it's more like she's trying to convince herself. Mercury doesn't have to be a great actor for her to start panicking because there are so many things wrong with her being pregnant. ]

I'm not pregnant, Mercury. [ In fact, to prove it, she's going to pinch him. That wakes you up from a nightmare right? She even closes her eyes tightly. When she opens them, that pregnancy test will be gone, right? ] Wake up.

Ow! Em, you pinch yourself to wake up! Which you won't, because you're already awake.

[ He leans back in his seat, rubbing his arm where she pinched him and shaking his head. ]

What's the big deal? Aren't there like... things you can do about that?

On what planet do you think the father is going to let me get anywhere near a place I can do something about it at? I was joking and he already gave it a gender.

[ She covers her mouth with both hands and falls back into the chair. She's not even thinking he doesn't know who the father is right now, though she's sure David wouldn't be okay with it either. ]

I can barely take care of myself, Mercury.

... "The father"?

[ Because if it was David's she would have just said "David", right? That's right, play into it, watch her dig herself into a hole.

...

Fuck. Fuck! This was supposed to be hilarious but he's grown something resembling a conscience. Emerald really looks freaked out, and that should be making him fight to hold back laughter, but he doesn't even think it's all that funny now.

Damnit. ]

Tell you what. I think I can fix this.

[ She would feel a lot better if he started laughing. She could go back to being angry at everything all the time if he did. And yet. ]

What if I just pretend to disappear for 5 months once I start showing and adopt the kid out to goblins in Fayren? -What?

[ She looks up at Mercury. She's deeefinitely spiraling a little bit here. This is only funny when she does it to Jaune and he's excited about it. ] How? You better not kick me.

I'd offer you that service if you were actually pregnant.

[ He already knows she's going to punch him at the very least, so he's steeled for it, but he continues quickly as if to try and cut her off before she puts two and two together-- ]

We prank Jaune and Weiss. Jaune, for blabbing to Weiss and giving her permission to mess with you, and Weiss for coming up with this whole "scare the shit out of Emerald" plan and relaying it to me.

[ ~~Even if messing with Emerald was his idea but shhhh~~ He lifts a finger! ]

Which would have gone on a lot longer if I wasn't more interested in screwing with them instead.

[ Yeah. Punch him. Right.

He better be steeled for the under the table kick that's going right for his groin. She'll respond to his offer once she has a moment to process that. At least she's been home all day so she's not wearing shoes. ]

You asshole!

[ W A S T E D

He chokes out some pained sound as he doubles over, literally falling out of his chair as he tries to not be sick. ]

--Fuck, Emerald, overkill much?!

[ ...

It's not, and he knows it. ]

You made me think I was having Jaune's baby! Stay on the ground!

[ DON'T GET UP SHE'S NOT DONE BEING MAD AND SHE WILL KICK HIM AGAIN. ]

And yes, you are helping me get back at both of them because otherwise I will kill all three of you!

[ He doesn't stand back up, though he does try to at least rise onto one knee. No, for real, he's fighting to keep his dinner down. A kick in the junk is a crippling thing. ]

For... three minutes, as opposed to three weeks. Besides, now that you know how that felt--

[ Hold on. Steadying breath. Okay. Continuing. ]

-- now you know how exactly bad you want to make them feel with whatever revenge we cook up.

[ He deserves every moment of this.

But she does have some idea of what she did so she at least stomps over to get the trash can and slams it down on the ground in front of him in case he needs it. ]

How about I just go kick Jaune and Sun in the groin too so none of you can have kids, ever.

[ That doesn't sound like a question mark so much as a statement. Sun is definitely an innocent bystander, but kicking Weiss just wouldn't have the same effect. ]

[ He doesn't need it for puking, but he does use it to steady himself as he tries to rise to his feet. He has a feeling she wasn't going to offer him a hand to help him up any time soon. ]

What, you weren't planning on using that merchandise again?

[ ... he doesn't specify whose "merchandise" he means but it's pretty obvious c'mon ]

No, I'm never having self-hating pizza sex again. Or any sex for that matter.

[ Emerald has definitely learned that she's terrified of being pregnant. She didn't actually know this. She points at him as she sits back down. She is definitely not helping him back up. ]

I finally had sex and you had to ruin it.

In my defense, you banged Jaune. So really, you set yourself up for failure from step one. Bad form.

[ The pain's subsided enough that he can run his mouth, apparently. He... turns his chair around to straddle it as he sits down again, so the back of the chair is guarding his weak spot should she decide he's in need of another kick. ]

I'm not even going to ask how that happened or any of the other millions of questions it raises.

He's attractive in a kind of annoying salty puppy way. And he gets... not feeling like anyone's- forget it.

[ He said he wouldn't ask, so even if she feels like she needs to defend herself, she's going to just not get into that. ]

It happened, neither of us had protection so I told him to pull out. Which is why I had a pregnancy test-- which, where did you get this one if it's not mine? [ She gestures to it, not wanting to touch it in case there's some random lady's pee on it. ]

I just picked it up at a drug store and gave it to Weiss. I'm pretty sure she just drew some lines on there.

[ ... either that or Weiss has some news to share??? ]

I know, you can tell the world about what happened when you got your job between getting hired and trying to kill your chef.

[ That's not a prank, Emerald, that's angry revenge..

Weiss has birth control pills and is very adamant about using them, tyvm. So yes, marker and a ruler. ]

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